My iPod is one of the funniest things I own. I don't know how it does, but it seems to play the exact songs that I want to listen to when I put it on shuffle. It also plays songs that pretty much describes what my life is going through. Like right now. I'm at work and I turned my iPod on and put the shuffle songs on and the first song it starts to play is "Lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on" by Panic! At the Disco (what a mouthful!). I haven't heard this song since...well, around August 2006. This song is exactly what I wanted to hear, and it's perfectly suited to how I feel currently.
My life seems to keep spiraling out of control at the speed of the Mach 5 with no end in sight. I'm not exactly sure how I can stop this chaos and keep everyone happy with me. In fact, I doubt that there's any way to appease anyone in this situation. It's somewhat ironic how much I hate appeasers, and yet i find myself searching for some way to appease everyone and keep everyone happy with me. Unfortunatley, there is no way out of this one. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. A very hard place.
I'll figure something out, I have to, I don't have any other solution but plan A.
Recently I've been trying to eliminate the spam that gets sent to my spam folder in gmail. I get so much spam every hour and it is an eyesore to look at when I open my inbox and see SPAM (4637) or some other equally large number. As soon as I clean it out, another 3 will pop in there. And I can't block the sender because most of them are from fake names. I've created lots of filters for the common ones, cialis, viagra, but then the spammers become creative with how they spell things by using l33tspeak. It's probably going to be something I have to just deal with from now on I guess. It's most unfortunate, but it's not like it something that's life threatening and needs to be dealt with right away.
I have more pressing issues I should be working on, like what to do with my life. Today I started my first day of summer session. I'm taking buisness law, which sounds at least a little bit interesting. I'm sure it will be much better than the Introduction to Buisness class I took during the regular semester. Do I really want to major in buisness? I don't know. I think I will stick it out and deal with it for now and then go back and get a graduate degree. I have a lot of school in front of me :S.
Well, I think that's enough useless ramblings for now. Perhaps later i'll write something somewhat mind-stimulating.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Talk Talk Talk
Today I found out that blogger.com is not currently blocked by Office Depot websense. Happy Days for me so now I have something to do on my lunch. I was pretty much "given" a promotion to Design Print and Ship Manager, except I don't get a manager title and I don't get the pay of a manager. Well, At least I get the hours I wanted that had been previously cut. Now I'm going to be working Monday-Thursday 10:60-6pm and Friday 3-9:30pm. The weekends are finally mind for the taking, at least for the time being.
I've done more thinking and writing my last post really helped me realize what I was doing wrong in my life. I need to feel complete and feeling emotionally connected to someone - anyone is what I need in order to fill the void I've been feeling. Now it's the difficult task of actually acting on the information I have now. It's a difficult and arduent task what I have to do, what I need to do in order to prevent myself going over the edge again and having another breakdown.
I feel as if I'm close again to a breakdown with the two different directions I'm being pulled in. One is screaming "be an adult, Allison", the other one is tellig me to enjoy what I have left of being a teenager. The adult me knows what's right, but being a teenager is the easy way out, per say. But I don't know if it's exactly as clear cut as I see it. There are the ups and downs of both sides. I hope that God can guide me in the right direction and show me the way I should take in order to feel complete again.
Falling out of love is never easy on me. I'll put feelings away in a box and put them in the top part of my closet and move on from them, never having to look at them or open them up and deal with them. But then when they come back and haunt me, they really know how to hit me over the head. It feels as if that's happening right now, but it's not exactly falling out of love. I don't know what it could be, but whatever is happening, I know that it's incredibly painful to deal with. It's wanting too much from a person and them not being able to deliver what I need (hence all the problems I've had to begin with). It's such a cliche, but you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can point out everything that you need someone to do in order to maintain status quo, but it doesn't mean they will preform what's needed to be done.
I will try one more time, I decided today to pass the hint along, but I doubt that it will do any good. I have to live my consequences though, be them good or bad. No matter how I can try and put it off, I'm an adult and if I make my bed, I must then lay in it. I hope though that I have my friends with me in my bed isn't comfortable and I can't sleep. Because I think that for the next couple weeks I'm going to have some sleepless nights.
smiles to the dolphins in madagascar <3
I've done more thinking and writing my last post really helped me realize what I was doing wrong in my life. I need to feel complete and feeling emotionally connected to someone - anyone is what I need in order to fill the void I've been feeling. Now it's the difficult task of actually acting on the information I have now. It's a difficult and arduent task what I have to do, what I need to do in order to prevent myself going over the edge again and having another breakdown.
I feel as if I'm close again to a breakdown with the two different directions I'm being pulled in. One is screaming "be an adult, Allison", the other one is tellig me to enjoy what I have left of being a teenager. The adult me knows what's right, but being a teenager is the easy way out, per say. But I don't know if it's exactly as clear cut as I see it. There are the ups and downs of both sides. I hope that God can guide me in the right direction and show me the way I should take in order to feel complete again.
Falling out of love is never easy on me. I'll put feelings away in a box and put them in the top part of my closet and move on from them, never having to look at them or open them up and deal with them. But then when they come back and haunt me, they really know how to hit me over the head. It feels as if that's happening right now, but it's not exactly falling out of love. I don't know what it could be, but whatever is happening, I know that it's incredibly painful to deal with. It's wanting too much from a person and them not being able to deliver what I need (hence all the problems I've had to begin with). It's such a cliche, but you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can point out everything that you need someone to do in order to maintain status quo, but it doesn't mean they will preform what's needed to be done.
I will try one more time, I decided today to pass the hint along, but I doubt that it will do any good. I have to live my consequences though, be them good or bad. No matter how I can try and put it off, I'm an adult and if I make my bed, I must then lay in it. I hope though that I have my friends with me in my bed isn't comfortable and I can't sleep. Because I think that for the next couple weeks I'm going to have some sleepless nights.
smiles to the dolphins in madagascar <3
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Straight Up
It's been a while since I've written about myself. I had a "blog" of sorts when I was a freshman/sophmore in high school that I would update about once a week during networking class. Times have changed since then. Now there are all these fancy blog sites. I still remember how it looked like. It was my baby, it was the very first real HTML i ever wrote (and have ever...written really...-_-). It was actually pretty hideous looking, it was purple and popup. A picture of BoA was used on the left side from the My Sweetie promo photography and on the right was where I had my entries. There were no comments, and I believe that I was the only one that ever read it.
A lot of things have changed since those days in networking. Different priorities, different hair colors, different person. I don't know if I like this new me that I found recently, and part of me writing this blog is for me to see the person I've become. I'm starting to pick the pieces of my life up andfit them back together again. I was doing a somewhat decent job up until now, where I've hit a rather big snag. I feel as if there's a piece missing in order for me to feel complete. It's like winning the lottery and still not being completly happy with all your material possesions. After taking a year-hiatus from the life I had to have a relationship with someone, I'm doing everything I had done that had made me happy last year, but alas, there's a piece missing from my life to make everything right in my life.
Without whatever's missing it feels as if things are starting to collapse around me. This past week made me realize just how wrong my life is going. It was the lowest of the low, I don't think I could ever sink that low again. I was a shell, it was not me by any means. It felt as if I was truly alone in the world and that no one would ever take the time to truly get to know me. All my real life friends can be very egotistical and make me feel uncomfortable talking about my problems. Danielle is the guilties of the perpretratiors. Her constant text messages regaurding her flavor of the week remind me constantly of how lonely I feel. She would much rather make out with a guy than talk to me about my concerns over our friendship.
Perhaps that's what's missing from my life. No one has taken to truly get to know me as a person again. I don't know if anyone really cares, people are so wrapped up in themselves, I see it all the time, especially at work, with people constantly on cell phones with their bluetooth's in their ears. I swear, they look like people from the USS Enterprise. But that's on a tangent. Maybe that's the thing that I've been searching for, someone who gets me, understands me, someone that knows me inside and out and knows what I'm feeling without me having to tell them.
It's sad, but Brandon was the only one who ever made that sort of an effort. He asked me questions. He was generally interested in my life and what I was up to. I feel so alone in the world, alone in my own little piece of the world without anyone docking their ship in my harbor to stay a while and explore the inner workings of me. I'm not looking for someone to write an biography about me (because that would be creepy), but it would be nice for someone to have a cup of tea with me and let me talk without making me feel as if I'm talking too much about myself.
smile to you.
<3
A lot of things have changed since those days in networking. Different priorities, different hair colors, different person. I don't know if I like this new me that I found recently, and part of me writing this blog is for me to see the person I've become. I'm starting to pick the pieces of my life up andfit them back together again. I was doing a somewhat decent job up until now, where I've hit a rather big snag. I feel as if there's a piece missing in order for me to feel complete. It's like winning the lottery and still not being completly happy with all your material possesions. After taking a year-hiatus from the life I had to have a relationship with someone, I'm doing everything I had done that had made me happy last year, but alas, there's a piece missing from my life to make everything right in my life.
Without whatever's missing it feels as if things are starting to collapse around me. This past week made me realize just how wrong my life is going. It was the lowest of the low, I don't think I could ever sink that low again. I was a shell, it was not me by any means. It felt as if I was truly alone in the world and that no one would ever take the time to truly get to know me. All my real life friends can be very egotistical and make me feel uncomfortable talking about my problems. Danielle is the guilties of the perpretratiors. Her constant text messages regaurding her flavor of the week remind me constantly of how lonely I feel. She would much rather make out with a guy than talk to me about my concerns over our friendship.
Perhaps that's what's missing from my life. No one has taken to truly get to know me as a person again. I don't know if anyone really cares, people are so wrapped up in themselves, I see it all the time, especially at work, with people constantly on cell phones with their bluetooth's in their ears. I swear, they look like people from the USS Enterprise. But that's on a tangent. Maybe that's the thing that I've been searching for, someone who gets me, understands me, someone that knows me inside and out and knows what I'm feeling without me having to tell them.
It's sad, but Brandon was the only one who ever made that sort of an effort. He asked me questions. He was generally interested in my life and what I was up to. I feel so alone in the world, alone in my own little piece of the world without anyone docking their ship in my harbor to stay a while and explore the inner workings of me. I'm not looking for someone to write an biography about me (because that would be creepy), but it would be nice for someone to have a cup of tea with me and let me talk without making me feel as if I'm talking too much about myself.
smile to you.
<3
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